Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Can Oprah Sell Spirituality as Self Help?

Imagine my delighted shock upon reading Dr. Brian Weiss as Oprah's guest last week. You might remember him from the landmark book Many Lives Many Masters . The 1980s book that made past life regression oh so chic, and redemptive. The story goes that Weiss, a practicing psychiatrist used hypnosis with a female patient called Catherine. (The man has none of the dramatic flair of Jung and didn't use a name as primal as say... Eve or Electra). During the hypnotherapy Catherine regressed so far back, she transcended this lifetime and revisted another one, a long time ago, in a country far, far away.

So began Weiss's landmark work in past life regression healing. Not sure how Oprah connected with him. Perhaps Gayle sought his counseling, or perhaps a close celebrity friend made the gushing recommendation. I'm not knocking it, I'm just jealous that I haven't had a session with the guy. He's incredibly nurturing from what I've read in his books, and even more so in person from the regression segments played on Oprah. Yes, Oprah actually ran a tape of a regression.

Now, I'm an enthusiast of Ms. Winfrey's grab-life-by-the-cajones philosophy. I love her one woman at a time motto. And I particularly applaud her brilliance at making what used to be considered esoteric accessible to the masses. What used to be mulled over in dark living rooms filled with smoking incense by people sipping jasmine tea is now being presented to housewives in Sheboygan Falls, Wisconsin. I mean, look what she did for Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love. Gilbert's bordering on chick lit book did well for the female segment but ripped apart the NYT's bestseller list after her appearance on Oprah. And the book is essentially one long 300 page soliloquy of self discovery.

And the list goes on. Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. Marianne Williamson's venerable yet invaluable A Course in Miracles, turning a new generation on to the power of the self (and sporting a slamming new hairdo to boot!) Oprah's not limiting herself to television alone. Each week on her XM radio show - Soul Series - she interacts with the leading spiritual leaders and thinkers, capturing her share of the radio audience.

So can Oprah sell spirituality? Time will tell. And to those folks in Sheboygan Falls, listen up.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Fatima's Last Bath

Delta's onflight magazine, SKY recently held a short story contest with a green theme. Below is my entry titled: Fatima's last bath, a futuristic tale of man's descent into the annhilation of nature ala Phillip Dick and Anne McCaffrey.

Fatima's Last Bath
When Greenland lost more than 63% of it’s iceshelf, the stars really began to fall. The day showers weren’t so noticeable as we still sustained watery sunlight. But the nights were a treat. White, green, blue missiles whizzed through the sky illuminating the night since the moon was permanently shrouded in gaseous clouds. Children asked their parents, is this what moonlight looks like? Only to be told, no no. The moon was even bigger and brighter than those specks of silver frosting the skies.

My grandmother remembers the olden days when Hawaii was a chain of luxuriant islands and not just the largest dive site in the IndoPac ocean. When Nevada wasn’t a peninsula and deep sea diving wasn’t a mandatory requirement for anyone over the age of 15. Those were days when Kangaroos used to hop across Australasia and flightless birds called Penguins used to thrive in the formerly sub zero Antarctic. Cars, the bane of politicians and oil companies used to tear across highways and roads filling the air with fumes and the unidentified gas called Plastane – the sole culprit of Nexadeath – the plague responsible for exterminating one-fifth of earth’s population.

Transworld president Enda Wodehouse-Hewson, grandson of former rockstar Sir Bono was due to sign a global edict called the Cheney-Bush Lupus Retraction to reverse the extinction of wolves in the remaining 38 United States. The former world leaders passed a bill condoning the aerial slaughter of wolves via helicopter. While the bill pacified a minority of farmers and landowners plagued by the canines in the 21st century, the absence of the canine forefather left many of the northern states poised for even larger predators, such as carnivorous bears. With the depletion of walruses, seals and whales, the Polar bear dropped its shaggy white coat and migrated south, decimating livestock all the way from Yukon to Texico. The Bush-Cheney Lupus Retraction was a desperate attempt to level the playing field and reintroduce stealthy wolf packs in order to bring balance to the over abundance of bears. It was either that or legalize hunting which had been obliterated by the mid century mark.

Signing of the Retraction coincided with the birthday of Fatima, the last surviving elephant on the planet. The poor dear was almost 37 years old and despite noble attempts to clone her, the planet finally gave up hope to resuscitate her ancient species. Colonel Archibald Giggleswick, the 21st century hunter renowned for dispatching more than hundreds of elephants in the name of masculine sport was known to have said “I truly regret the demise of this creature. Nowhere else have I seen its equal for might or majesty.” Regret didn’t prevent him from displaying the polished ivory tusks – mementos of his quarries – in his 50 bedroom estate in the Euro Kingdom.

So earth resigned itself to lavishing the great beast with attention befitting her stature and the sentimental burden she carried. Elephants are social beings and these days Fatima would spend most of her time with a herd of buffalo. Of course they weren’t real buffalo, those were long extinct. These were an ancient Scottish breed of long-haired bovines, mild tempered and prone to emitting gas. Since gas emissions were long banned, it seemed an amusing joke to pair the now extinct Fatima with these snorting hairy beasts. Sometimes a group of conservationists would congregate and don an elephant suit in hopes of providing companionship to the sole elephant. Fatima wouldn’t fall for the charade but being the sweet natured gal she is would trumpet playfully and whack the imposter Pachyderm with wide butt swings. Her version of the popular ‘70s Disco dance, the Bump.

An entire day of events were scheduled for Fatima’s birthday. The old girl couldn’t walk very far so the party would be brought to her enclosure at the Steve Irwin Retirement Center for Aged Mammals. First she would be serenaded the Birthday Song by the New Test Tube Babies on the Block. Next a troupe of Chinese acrobats would cavort, gyrate and generally contort themselves into amazing positions. The idea of using gymnasts came about from historical films of ‘Circuses’ common during the 20th and 21st centuries in which animals, namely elephants, would assume human-like positions to entertain human customers. The notion of entertaining Fatima by humans performers seemed fittingly righteous. This would be followed by a moving tribute by the chairman of Geo Justice who was purported to read the list of 70 new creatures emerging on the extinction list. The entire event would be broadcast on Palmvision, the format that replaced TV and reduced energy consumption to less than 17 watts per city. A birthday cake was ruled out since Fatima was not allowed sugar and since the candles on such a cake would emit more smoke than the city was allowed in one week.

The highlight of the day would culminate in Fatima’s bath. Political bigwigs from all four continents would dowse her with cool water from recycled rubber hoses. This might appear an odd finale to such a momentous event. But Fatima loved nothing more than frolicking in water, jets cooling her enormous body and if strong enough, scratching itches on her thick hide. After which she would be led to her enclosure to dine on juicy shrubs and grasses, especially grown and gathered for the event by Farmers for the Future.

The celebration went off without a hitch. The singers sang, the dancers danced. All which seemed to amuse Fatima greatly. She was draped with garlands of white jasmine and fushia orchids. An act that angered some horticulturists and brides alike since the use of flowers in any occasion other than funerals was forbidden. She trumpeted playfully when being bathed, even reciprocating by showering Nelson Mandela IV with water. Her caretaker accompanied Fatima into her 5 acre enclosure to furious applause and considerable weeping. The wife and mistress of the Mayor cried openly, extending bamboo handkerchiefs to each other. Fatima sashayed her impeccably clean hide into her favorite nook, the trunk of a cloned redwood tree. She gave a mighty sigh and swept her eyelashes closed, eliciting an ‘Awwww’ from onlookers. Two white doves were released above her head, which promptly disappeared into the upper branches of the cloned tree.

The next day Palmvision reported that Fatima enjoyed a healthy and happy birthday celebration. One feed speculated that she would survive long enough for the scientologists to discover a means to preserve her species. Another projected that she would endure in health and live for another birthday celebration. Animal Planet hoped there would be a Fatima Jr. one day.

Somehow, I doubt it.

Copyright 2008, Rekha Chedalavada